In light of Texas A&M spending $450 million (MILLIONS!) in renovations to Kyle Field, the arms race in the SEC will begin, and may be the biggest arms race we have seen since the end of World War II. With that in mind, let’s compare the schools in this arms race to their corresponding WWII country.
Alabama - The United States
They’re just better than you. Sometimes you don’t even know how. They have the best coaches, and the best players, but they aren’t overly flashy. They just keep coming at you, and when you think you’re ahead, they’re one step ahead and they come through with a punch in the face. They’ll win the war, over and over again, and everyone else in the SEC will hate them, but respect and fear them.
LSU - Russia
These guys are crazy. I mean really crazy. Crazier than your cousin Sal and uncle Marv. They eat grass, keep pet tigers in cages, and will chase you out of their stadium for looking at them funny. They really love liquor too. OH, DO THEY LOVE THE LIQUOR. Outside of all that, they have the best defense in the world, and have a capital that has never been, and never will, be overthrown. They throw a heck of a party before the game, then kill your soul during the game, and send you home with great stories to tell your family, as long as you aren’t talking about the game.
Florida - Germany
These guys are the class of the SEC East, but sometimes they do really stupid things. Still, they have the potential to scare the crap out of the rest of the SEC, and really punk out some of the lesser schools. At times you would have thought they were better than Alabama and LSU, but eventually those schools get the right coaches and put them back in their place.
Georgia - Great Britain
The holier than thou group that thinks they run the rest of the conference but really don’t because in the end they need help. Yeah, they have Jarvis Jones but their offensive coordinator is named Mike Bobo (SERIOUSLY?). They are always overrated until someone smacks them in the mouth and puts them back in their place. Just put them down for 9-3 or 10-2 every single year.
South Carolina - Japan
This is the up-and-comer of the group. They have some seriously crazy kamikaze safeties and linebackers, and easily the best defensive ends you’ve ever seen. Still, their offensive line is kind of like trying to keep a Navy away with some island fortresses, and they will always be doomed by their lack of quality quarterback play. They’ll win in the East at times, but never overcome the West.
Auburn - France
They used to be good. They’ve had some really good players. Napoleon Bonaparte, Cam Newton, Bo Jackson were all great. Still, without those guys, who are they? Seriously, look at their record. It’s not that good. Except for that one year that didn’t count because they weren’t ranked high in the preseason.
Ole Miss and Mississippi State - Belgium and the Netherlands
Seriously? They are there, but not even Operation Market Garden is saving these guys. They are what they are.
Texas A&M - Italy
Yeah, they are spending a whole lot of money to turn Kyle Field into the Taj Mahal of the SEC West, but they are forgetting the fact they are a middle of the road conference team. They are second best in their own state. They could spend $2 billion on Kyle Field and would still be second best in their own state. They will always be behind Alabama and LSU. Know your role, A&M. You could spend half the money you’re spending and still have the same amount of success.
Arkansas - Turkey
They have a ton of money in their coffers, and at one time had a great leader who spoiled it for everyone. They’re not good, but maybe they will be one day. Or maybe not.
Missouri - Norway
They put up a heck of a fight, but in the end, the outcome is never in doubt. They can put out as many corny songs as they want, they are what they are.
Tennessee - Spain
They were once a power, back in the early days, but now? They are just as much of a bottom level team as some of the other SEC teams. Could they get it back? Sure, they play in a huge stadium, and have a very passionate fan base. Problem is, every time they are on the national stage, they mail it in to one of the big boys. Going to need a change in power to step it back up.
Vanderbilt - Switzerland
Yep. They’re there, but are they really? They’re too busy taking care of the Vatican with their soldiers and watching Titans games on Mondays and complaining about what Jeff Fisher did to their team. Oh, and taking credit for Chris Johnson. Which doesn’t have the same ring to it now.
Kentucky - Poland
We are what we are. We are Poland. We are right in between all the other super powers and are constantly getting run over. Our best football memory of the past four years is knocking out Tim Tebow. It’s sort of like Polish snipers during World War II. Sure we knocked out some guys, but we lost all the wars. Usually in the first half, too.